I Endured an Emotionally Abusive Relationship Because of Low Self Esteem

Leave before you find yourself damaged and bitter

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''You are the reason I am cheating,''He'd tell me that everytime I found out he was cheating.

And with time I believed that it was and will always be my fault if anything happens in our relationship.

I constantly berated myself, thinking I should have tried harder, been more loving, more patient.

And the cycle of blame and gaslight repeated itself every time he cheated.

What broke me most is that I couldn't let go.

He was just a boyfriend.

Not even my husband.

We weren’t bound together by any vows.

But I just couldn't leave.

I never understood why.

But years later, I understood why I couldn't.

And here are the reasons I couldn't leave…

8 Reasons Why I Couldn’t Leave the Relationship

Many times I’d pack my bags or even go far to leave him.

But I found myself running back to him.

Here are the reasons I kept running back.

1. He Was Lovely at the Start of our Relationship

At the beginning, he was like a dream come true.

He was attentive, affectionate, and made me feel like the most important person in the world.

He listened to me, remembered the little things, and was always there when I needed him.

His kindness and charm swept me off my feet, and I fell for him deeply.

I thought I had found my soulmate, someone who truly understood and cared for me.

2. I Was Not Confident I Could Find Someone Better

My self-esteem was already fragile, and his behavior only made it worse.

He constantly criticized me, belittled my achievements, and made me feel inadequate.

I began to believe that I didn't deserve better, that this was the best I could get.

I was afraid that if I left him, I would never find someone else who would love me.

I felt trapped in a cycle of self-doubt and insecurity, unable to break free.

3. I Never Believed in Myself

His words and actions slowly eroded my confidence. I used to be a strong, independent person, but he made me doubt myself at every turn.

I began to second-guess my decisions, question my abilities, and lose faith in myself. I became dependent on him for validation, seeking his approval in everything I did.

I didn't trust my own judgment anymore, always deferring to him for fear of making a mistake.

4. He Manipulated and Gaslighted Me, So I Questioned my Judgment

He was a master manipulator, always twisting the truth to suit his needs. He’d lie to me, deceive me, and then make me feel like I was crazy for doubting him.

He’d deny things he had said or done, making me doubt my memory and perception of reality.

I felt like I was losing my mind, constantly trying to make sense of his words and actions.

I became hyper-vigilant, always second-guessing myself and feeling like I was walking on eggshells around him.

5. I Had Fear of the Unknown

Leaving him meant stepping into the unknown, and that scared me more than anything.

I didn't know what life would be like without him, and the thought of starting over was daunting.

I was afraid of being alone, of not being able to cope without him. I was comfortable in the familiarity of our relationship, even though it was toxic.

The fear of the unknown kept me stuck in a cycle of abuse, always choosing the devil I knew over the one I didn't.

6. I Hoped He'd Change at Some Point

I held onto the hope that he would change, that he would see the error of his ways and become the person I fell in love with.

I believed his promises to do better, to be a better partner. I thought that if I just loved him enough, he would eventually come to his senses and treat me with the respect I deserved.

I was living in a fantasy, hoping against hope that things would magically get better, even though deep down I knew they never would.

7. I Didn't Know the Meaning of Love

Growing up, I never experienced love in a healthy way.

My relationships were always dysfunctional, filled with abuse and mistreatment. I didn't know what a healthy relationship looked like, so I had nothing to compare it to.

I thought that love meant putting up with whatever came my way, even if it meant sacrificing my own happiness.

I didn't realize that true love should uplift and empower me, not tear me down. I was trapped in a cycle of abuse, mistaking it for love, because I didn't know any better.

8. He Would Cry Every Time he Apologized

One of the most confusing aspects of the relationship was his behavior during apologies.

Whenever he realized he had gone too far or had been caught in a lie, he would break down in tears, begging for forgiveness.

Seeing him cry made me feel like he was truly sorry and that he was capable of change. It tugged at my heartstrings and made me want to believe that he was sincere.

However, looking back, I realize that his tears were more about manipulation than genuine remorse.

His tears would often lead to me comforting him, reassuring him that everything would be okay, and ultimately shifting the focus away from his actions and back onto him.

This tactic made it difficult for me to hold him accountable for his behavior.

It also created a cycle where I would forgive him, only for the same patterns of abuse to repeat themselves.

So, When Did I Finally Leave?

The last straw was when he made another girl pregnant just two months after we had our son.

At first, I held on, clinging to the hope that things would somehow get better. I remember at some point, I even texted that girl, just to scare her away.

That was a Biiiiig mistake…

When he found out about the text, he hurled insults at me.

That night, I couldn't sleep. I always thought a heartbreak was just a feeling.

But that night my heart was literally paining me. I didn't think I'd see the next day.

In the morning, I realized I just couldn't hold on anymore.

I analyzed every bit of our relationship and realized I had nothing to hold on to.

Sometimes I told myself I'd come too far to let it go, but I knew if I didn't let go at that point, I'd run mad.

Of course, I was already far too damaged.

I was like a shell, just moving without purpose.

But deep down, I knew time was up. I needed to leave and start a new life.

That was in December 2020.

I finally found the courage to walk away.

Final Thoughts

My story isn't beautiful.

But love in itself is beautiful.

And at no point should you have to fight for it. If it's not flowing naturally, then let it be.

He isn't yours if you have to keep crying and wondering why you aren't good enough for him.

You don't have to try that hard, baby girl.

Because you deserve better.

Leave before you find yourself damaged and bitter.

Cheers to a better you!

MyGrowthDiary

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