You don't have to endure any kind of emotional abuse in the name of love!
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I remember the first time I told my friends my boyfriend was cheating and emotionally abusing me.
They didn't believe me.
They were like, "And the way he is so nice."
They even had the audacity to ask me if I am doing anything wrong or making him unhappy.
To their eyes, he was perfect.
Everyone thought I was the bad one.
After watching how he related to other people, I realized he was nice to them.
And that's the reason they believed he was nice to me too.
I never understood why he'd be nice to other people and be awful to me.
But later, long after we went our separate ways, I understood why. Keep reading to find out!
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4 Reasons Why Abusive Partners are Nice to Other People
Abusive partners can sometimes appear to be good to other people due to a variety of reasons.
They may be nice to:
1. Maintain a Positive Image
Abusers often want to be seen in a positive light by those around them.
They understand that society values kindness and empathy, so they use this knowledge to their advantage.
By treating others well, they can create a facade of being a kind and caring person, even though their behavior behind closed doors may be the opposite.
This manipulation is calculated and deliberate, aimed at keeping their reputation intact and avoiding suspicion from others.
For example, an abuser may go out of their way to help a neighbor or be extra friendly at social gatherings, all while mistreating their partner in private.
This behavior allows them to control how they are perceived by others and maintain a sense of power and authority in their social circle.
2. Avoid Consequences
Abusers are often aware of the potential consequences of their actions, especially when it comes to how they treat people outside of their intimate relationships.
They may fear legal repercussions or damage to their reputation if their abusive behavior is exposed.
To avoid these consequences, they may act kind and respectful towards others, creating a stark contrast to their behavior in their intimate relationships.
This behavior serves as a shield, deflecting suspicion and protecting them from facing accountability for their actions.
For instance, an abuser may be careful to only display their abusive behavior in private, ensuring that there are no witnesses who could testify against them.
This calculated approach allows them to maintain control and continue their abusive behavior without facing the repercussions they rightfully deserve.
3. Manipulate Other People
Abusers are often skilled manipulators who use their behavior towards others as a tool to manipulate perceptions.
They may treat their partner poorly in private but act kind and caring in public, leading others to believe that the abusive behavior is an isolated incident.
This manipulation is intended to make their partner doubt their own experiences and feelings, gaslighting them into thinking that the abuse is not real or that they are somehow to blame.
For example, an abuser may shower their partner with affection in front of friends and family, creating confusion and doubt in their mind about the validity of their own experiences.
This manipulation is a tactic used by abusers to maintain control over their partner and avoid accountability for their actions.
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4. Seek Validation
Some abusers seek validation and approval from others as a way to boost their self-esteem and reinforce their sense of power and control.
By being kind and generous towards others, they can receive the positive reinforcement they crave, further fueling their abusive behavior.
This behavior is often driven by deep-seated insecurities and a need for external validation.
For instance, an abuser may go out of their way to help a friend in need, not out of genuine care, but to receive praise and admiration from others.
This behavior allows them to feel a temporary sense of validation, masking their true intentions and manipulative nature.
Ultimately, seeking validation from others is a way for abusers to maintain their sense of superiority and control over those around them.
Early Warning Signs that your Partner May be Emotionally Abusive
Early signs of emotional abuse in a relationship can be subtle but can escalate over time.
Here are some early warning signs to look out for:
1. Excessive jealousy or possessiveness
Your partner's jealousy or possessiveness may manifest in various ways, such as:
Wanting to know your whereabouts at all times
Checking your phone or social media accounts without permission
Becoming overly suspicious of your interactions with others.
This behavior can stem from insecurity or a desire to control you.
It may start subtly, with seemingly innocent questions about your activities or friendships, but can escalate into more controlling behavior over time.
For example, they may insist on accompanying you everywhere or become angry or upset if you spend time with friends without them.
This can lead to feelings of suffocation and a loss of independence.
2. Isolation
An emotionally abusive partner may try to isolate you from friends, family, or other support systems.
They may do this by criticizing your loved ones, creating conflicts between you and them, or making you feel guilty for spending time away from them.
This isolation can make you more dependent on your partner for emotional support and validation, making it easier for them to control and manipulate you.
For example, they may discourage you from pursuing hobbies or interests outside of the relationship, making you feel like you need their approval to do anything.
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3. Blaming and criticism
Emotional abusers often use criticism and blame to undermine your self-esteem and sense of self-worth.
They may constantly criticize your appearance, intelligence, or abilities, making you feel inadequate or worthless.
They may also blame you for their own shortcomings or mistakes, refusing to take responsibility for their actions.
This can lead to feelings of self-doubt and a belief that you are to blame for the problems in the relationship.
For example, they may blame you for their bad mood or a failed project at work, even if you had nothing to do with it.
4. Control
Emotional abusers often seek to control aspects of your life, such as your appearance, finances, or social interactions.
They may dictate what you can and cannot wear, how you should spend your money, or who you can be friends with.
This control can be subtle at first, but can escalate into more overt forms of manipulation and coercion.
For example, they may insist on controlling your schedule, deciding who you can see and when, or they may monitor your communications and whereabouts.
5. Gaslighting
Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation where an abuser denies things they said or did, making you doubt your own memory, perception, or sanity.
They may distort the truth, lie outright, or twist your words to make you question your own reality.
This can lead to feelings of confusion, self-doubt, and a loss of trust in your own judgment.
For example, they may deny saying hurtful things to you, even though you distinctly remember them saying it.
6. Mood swings
Emotionally abusive partners may have extreme mood swings, alternating between being charming and loving one moment and being aggressive or hostile the next.
This behavior can be confusing and unpredictable, leaving you feeling on edge or walking on eggshells to avoid triggering their anger or displeasure.
For example, they may shower you with affection after a fight, only to become angry and distant again shortly after.
7. Invalidation
An emotionally abusive partner may invalidate your feelings, dismissing them as unimportant or unwarranted.
They may minimize your emotions, telling you that you're overreacting or being too sensitive.
This can lead you to question your own emotions and experiences, wondering if you're truly justified in feeling the way you do.
For example, they may tell you that you're "crazy" or "irrational" for being upset about something they did.
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8. Manipulation
Emotional abusers often use manipulation tactics to get what they want. They may guilt-trip you, play the victim, or threaten to harm themselves if you leave.
They may also use bribery or flattery to manipulate you into doing what they want.
This manipulation can be subtle or overt, but it is always aimed at controlling you and getting you to comply with their wishes.
For example, they may threaten to harm themselves if you try to leave the relationship, making you feel guilty for wanting to leave.
9. Lack of empathy
Emotionally abusive partners may show a lack of empathy or concern for your feelings.
They may dismiss your emotions or needs, focusing only on their own wants and desires.
This can leave you feeling unimportant or insignificant, as if your feelings don't matter.
For example, they may ignore your attempts to communicate your needs, or they may dismiss your feelings as unimportant.
10. Unpredictable behavior
An emotionally abusive partner's behavior may be unpredictable, leaving you feeling on edge or walking on eggshells to avoid triggering their anger or displeasure.
They may lash out unexpectedly, over minor issues, or their mood may change suddenly and without warning.
This can create a sense of fear and anxiety in the relationship, as you never know what might set them off.
For example, they may become angry and aggressive over something trivial, such as a minor disagreement or a small mistake.
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Final Thoughts
It may be hard for you to know at first if your partner is abusive.
And it may be hard too for your friends and family to know that your partner is abusing you emotionally, especially if they are nice to them.
But once you realize your partner is abusive, walk away and seek help from your friends and family.
You don't have to endure any kind of emotional abuse in the name of love!
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